I Belong Therefore I Am

I Belong Therefore I Am

Life has been a tumultuous experience for me in the last four years. We have moved 4 times across 3 countries in the last three years, owing to the professional moves of my partner and this has in turn provided me with an opportunity to observe people and life very closely. We all have this opportunity in our daily life but it is usually hidden behind a large boundary wall of routine, the gate to which is gently unlocked, when we are snapped out of our habit and surroundings in some way. Although, some people e.g. a good theatre actor, are naturally very observant about people and situations and use that observation later to recreate that experience magically on stage.

I remember a friend who is a counsellor by profession, telling me when I was moving for the first time, “It’s amazing that you are moving, and you must go because you have to break this mould of self-identification with your environment that you have hopelessly identified with. However, reckon how a tree is, when transported and uprooted? It’s shrivelled, down and sad. That is exactly how you will feel, rootless and down but I am sure you will emerge”. I didn’t quite believe what she said since I have moved cities a lot throughout my childhood and growing-up years owing to my father’s transferable job. Also, at this juncture, I strongly felt the need to change the pattern on which my life was rolling and hence a move was a welcome disruption to re-establish my identity.

We eventually moved and as predicted by her, I felt rootless. I was very soon feeling nervous, empty and lost. I found myself looking for friends and work (the two things most people closely identify with), at the same time feeling nervous to make the first move. That first move and 3 more moves later, I realized how important it is to feel belonged for an ordinary human being.

Need of belonging

Now what is belonging? It is a means of establishing an identity by ordinary mortals. Let me explain how. We all seek to identify ourselves first with our external aspects, which are easily visible and bring a sense of belonging to a wider community – e.g. a place (Indian, Bengali, Punjabi, European, American etc.), a surname or philosophy or religion or caste (Brahmin, Baniya, Sunni, Catholic, etc.), a person (I know the President!), or even a clique (member of associations etc.). We thus associate our identity (and that of others) to what or whom we belong. This is a two way street. On one hand we feel pride in that belonging, as it is almost like owning something, which was not possible for us alone. On the other hand the rules and principles of that community govern us, thus effectively owning us and our identity! However this loss of identity is compromised for the security of not being alone.  Effectively, over a period of time one is able to catch a glimpse of oneself into these projections that the community provides and begins to identify with them.

Isn’t this a revelation of inadequacy? Otherwise why will you feel unhappy being alone? In the moments of adequacy the need for external objects to satisfy your existence diminishes a great deal and you are happy being who you are. You do not seek approval by being something or somebody you are not. You also do not seek external love; rather you are a source of joy. Happiness pours forth effortlessly. It is therefore your internal inadequacy at generating a sense of identity which forces you to seek affection, attention and appreciation from others, thus forcing you to belong.

Manifestation

Those of us who are mothers will never forget the moment when your baby just emerged; crying the most awaited cry and the doctors quickly put the naked child on your chest. The crying ceases like magic upon smelling the familiar house of umbilical cord. The first experience of belonging! We experience this belonging initially with our parents, first family (brothers, sisters, etc.) and then with our dwelling, say our house, surroundings, city, etc. As we grow in familiarity and maturity we want to extend this belonging further to our friends, even to our pets. Gradually, we realize these belongings are transient; hence, we start to crave for a stable belonging and look for a life partner. Then, we start to project ourselves on our life partner. Looking for something in him/her which we don’t have or probably thrive on what we have in common. I won’t go into the details of why we need a partner in life because one can probably write endlessly on that. When this aspect gets saturated, we extend further and aim for procreation in a hope to produce a permanent fixture for our identity (I am so and so’s parent and nothing can take that away!).

At times one feels a strong sense of bliss or connection with another human being or a place. There is no logical explanation for this but one wishes to repeat this experience and hence bring this person or place in their circle of belonging (i.e. make them your friend, take photos, possess a house at the place etc.). Here, while the identity is being formed by a strong internal urge, the external manifestation of belonging/ possessing remains.

Aspects of Belonging

‘Positive belonging’

A sense of belonging which makes us feel good about who we are i.e. manifests positively in our identity is ‘Positive Belonging’. Examples provided above (parent of a child, association with a certain location, friendship with a good human being) are largely in this domain.

‘Negative belonging’

This is the kind of belonging which is stimulating enough to precipitate all or any of the negative emotions known. A common form is the boost ones ego or self gets from feeling victimized. A negative experience, that makes us feel wronged (whether by another human or from a place, religion, community etc.), at times can form a strong impression on how we define our identity. Here, opinions may vary but the fact is that this also is a form of belonging. Our mind clings to this negative side of life, even if the event occurred in a distant past, as the ego-boost one gets from playing a victim provides a very strong sense of identity. Probably, the reason we develop negative belongings is that we have those emotions hidden in our subconscious and the existing stimulus is strong enough to surface it. The real reason is the individual’s subconscious but one tends to highlight the precipitating cause repeatedly, finding fault with people, communities, places etc. in the battle to maintain our Ego or to put it simply, helps us glorify our sense of self by vilifying this ‘OTHER’!!.

An interesting observation is that thoughts of belonging and fulfilment germinate only when the basics are taken care of. By basics, I mean the primary needs like food, shelter and clothing. Once those are fulfilled, you start to look for other aspects of fulfilment, for instance, being with likeminded people, or being professionally good and renowned. And once these are fulfilled, you start to look for the source of real happiness and many of us then steer towards spiritual path which leads us to deep within our true identity! The culmination of this path is in realizing our true self, where the only feeling of belonging is to the supreme self who manifests in everyone and everything.