Should we Belong....?

Should we belong?

It’s interesting, how sometimes an innocent cup of coffee with a friend on a morning,can make you dive deep into the ocean that is life. I was deeply inspired after listening to a friends’ friend’s story,who left home at an early age to explore the world; living at some place for a while, experiencing it, while taking up a casual job, then moving on to a new place. The travel became her way of life, as she secured a job which just required her to be with her computer and she could work from any part of the globe. She has probably been trying to discover herself through travel or maybe she is trying to find an environment to which she feels truly belonged or maybe she actually belongs everywhere, soaks the best in and upon saturation moves on to a new place.

This story reminded me of a dentist I met in Perth around a decade ago, who used to visit Tibet every year for three months, to treat patients, as a contribution to the society. Hearing such stories or experiencing them in movies or books, make me feel envious. Envious of those people, who fearlessly take a break from their routines, to just explore the world to find themselves, and come back to their lives where they left them.They pick up the strings again and move on, greatly energized and centered in their own souls. Where I live and work, such a step would be akin to assassinating your career knowingly, given the heavy competition amongst the large and qualified middle class, aspiring for material growth. However, I have started to believe that such breaks are absolutely essential, in order to steer your life in a direction you probably wouldn’t have dreamt of otherwise. Travelling to a new place does not just open your mind to a new culture and a new way of living, but it snaps you off from your routine and that’s when creativity surges! That’s when you think beyond your normal circumference of thoughts and that’s when, dreams take birth.

In my life, this dream of packing up and traveling the world materialized much later, when I was a mom of two and aches and pains had started to make their way into my joints stealthily. I sometimes wonder if these questions of belonging or settlement would have come to me, had I not been a mother or a wife. What if I were just living on my own and hopping across countries, would I have felt the need to belong even then? I think yes, I would still have felt the need to belong but probably to a lesser degree. Now I feel belonged to my children, my family and hence want to explore where I belong as an individual. Is my wanting to explore where I belong as an individual a manifestation of my own fears of who I have become? Am I seeking my identity beyond a mother, a wife, a dentist etc.? Is this the same dream I had when I was growing up in terms of what I wanted to be?

I also want my children to feel belonging, to not just their family but the world around them. As my erstwhile lovely landlady once remarked, “It’s so difficult to move places, I would want to fit in, I would want people to like me and also like my child!!” How REAL is that!! You feel your children are your extensions and as explained in philosophy, the feeling of ‘ATMABHAVA’, is strongest first with your own children, resultantly, their pain becomes your own and hence, the intensity becomes several folds higher. However, I realized that with children they adapt and belong to new locations more easily than adults. They make friends more quickly and learn to live in new cities with different weather conditions more easily. The reason is that they have not yet developed “roots” of belonging and feel the whole world is theirs. They do not differentiate between people based on ethnicity, religion etc. They just make friends with whoever they like. They are not going out there to feel belonged. They just belong! As Pari, my younger daughter once remarked, “Mummy, you know what, I am half Chinese, half English and half Indian.” May be being a half Emirati will be added to this list of identities a year later!! 

This effortless belonging was also prevalent in the society of yore. My father had a transferrable job. Yet I remember my childhood as uninhibited, infused with genuineness and oneness of neighborhood. My mother never thought she was alone, if my father was travelling. We lived with a very strong feeling of community and brotherhood, saturated with so much warmth and friendliness in people. As a child, I was always so excited to go to temple and Gurudwara with my grandmother. She was an epitome of effervescence, life and love. She would say “Ram Ram!” to anybody passing on the road and would not hesitate to befriend anyone. She would introduce strangers to me saying, “This is my sister”. I used to laugh and comment, “Everyone is your sister!!” But now I realize how amazing she was!

She was actually applying the principle of universal brotherhood. Did she actually belong? Yes indeed, but did her belonging make her weak, certainly not. On the contrary, it made her strong because it wasn’t driven by ego or fear or lack of self love. Her belonging was driven by unselfish love and therefore, she was a very strong magnet for others. She was a greatly expanded individual who identified herself with others, the woman who experienced ‘Atmabhava’ with everyone. How blissful her life was!

The realization that dawned was, that the lesser the need to belong to a place or family or society or caste etc., the more easily one feels  belonged to the world! The feeling of security that we seek from belonging to a group or niche, is more profound when we view the whole world and everything in it as ours and as one. This requires an expansion of one as a human being. But don’t children naturally have it? And why did the societies of old have it?

It’s quite apparent, with the advent of consumerism, glitz and glamour in life, importance to relationships is fading. People try to create new relationships to get a deeper feeling of belonging. Aren’t there “Harley Davidson Clubs” or “Single-Malt Societies” to help people feel belonged with others who share their materialistic interests? However, even as people may be aware of this need for belonging, in reality, the distances are increasingly increasing. There is generally a dearth of true friends. Hardly, anybody is truly friendly with their neighbors. Whether we acknowledge this or not, the dryness in societies is becoming viral. This gives rise to a question, “Is the desire to belong to something, a manifestation of fear or ego or lack of self love?”

Perhaps the answer is yes, the proportion of various factors may vary according to the individual constitution but essentially they are all responsible for this manifestation of inadequacy. Presence of fear is self explanatory in the occurrence of this phenomenon, but any one will ask how Ego or quite contradictorily, lack of self love is really responsible for this feeling?

 Ego, because we think we are very important, therefore, people should like us and know us and may be that is the ego responsible for sustenance of an ordinary human being. Ego also, because it is indeed responsible for the way we identify or brand ourselves. Therefore, in the absence of this branding, inadequacy and emptiness creep in. Lack of self love; because if there is enough love inside, then one will not look outside for fulfillment. Subsequently, the contentment and acceptance inside will probably be like a strong magnet attracting others to you.

This partly explains the reason the need for belonging exists in this universe. It is to expand you as an individual and to identify yourself with ‘Atmabhava’; this feeling can’t merely be cultivated with a conscious effort but becomes your second nature if general conduct in life is pure and nurturing!

So yes, if one asks, should we belong? Answer is, 'Yes', as we, the Sapiens, thrive on interrelatedness, could be with humans, art, music, career, health, food or spirituality. Firstly, because everyone needs an anchor in this world with which they identify. This is exactly when we mean, when we say follow your passions and listen to your heart. In reality we are looking for that Anchor, which can help us let our soul shine or make you feel alive!! Not that one day you will wake up and Anchor will come to you ‘Ta Da’!! I am here!’ To discover that, is also a beautiful process, during which most hidden aspects of yourself, are revealed, to your own astonishment. Also, it is very likely that as you grow in your journey, these anchors can change shapes, forms and sizes to suit and fit your consciousness.

Secondly, by living in this world with a feeling of oneness and by shedding our prejudices and biases, life becomes a very lovable, joyous and a memorable journey . Isn’t that what life should be all about, learning, moments, memories and experiences!!

It is indeed a very adventurous journey, full of surprises, falls and flights!! So Live, Explore and Fly!!

See you in the Sky!!

Love

Charu